when i got out
I spent 4 days in the hospital and couldn’t talk to dennis at all.. I get out and you know what I found out?…
.
.
.
he stayed loyal, faithful.
he didn’t move on, he didn’t cheat <3 god I love him more than I ever did before now <3 c: 9.21.12 <3 F&A
Dennis, the love of my fucking life.. <3 <3
crying. all im doing is crying.
I cant wait any longer!
I want to feel your touch, your lips, your warmth, your fingers run through my hair.
I want to hear your laugh, your xbox raging, your cute voices, your stupid jokes.
I want to see your gorgeous eyes, your perfect hair, your cute hands, your perfect lips, your cute faces, you play xbox.
I want you there to fall asleep with me, to comfort me when im upset, cuddle with me, play xbox with me, have movie nights with me.
promise you will never leave. promise me that I will be the last girl you will ever be with. promise me a life together forever.
Yeah. Facetime is for us to see eachother and talk to eachother. Not for to pause yourself to go check your messages from girls and reply back. Make me fucking wonder. And today is our 2 month too. Thanks. Bye.
never knew cutting would help the pain so much. my worthless feeling goes away after i see the scars start to form.
my boyfriend <3 Denis Ryan. March 18,1998 (:
baby, you are so cute when you sleep. you are so cute when you make stupid faces. you are so cute when you laugh. you are so cute when you play xbox and get mad, its just a game babe lol. you are so cute when you do stupid things to make me laugh and smile. i love your singing, it makes me smile. i love your voice, its so soothing and relaxing, i could just fall asleep to it every night. i love your eyes, so perfect, i could look into them non stop and never get tired of them. i love your smile, its so cute since you have dimples. i love your laugh, i cant help but smile and giggle with you. i love when you call me babygirl, baby, sweetie, darling, it makes me feel special. i love when you call me beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, it makes me feel amazing. i love it when you say you love me, cause i know you mean it, and i love you back. i love when you call me your wife, cause i know one day i will be for real. i love our stupid conversations we have about stupid things that make no sense, but it always makes my day. i love when we fall asleep together on facetime, cause i imagine me in your arms, listening to your heartbeat and feeling your warmth as we fall asleep together. i love the romantic conversations we have about our future and about Blakely and Clayton and our wedding, and the little things that will happen between us when we meet. i love you dennis ryan <3 forever and always my one true love, no matter what. ill never stop loving you, yeah i get mad, ignore that, cause i will never let you slip away that fast. im in love with you dennis. my handsome, wonderful, amazing prince charming of mine. and my amazing husband and father of our future angels <3
-avery leigh <3 your beautiful love angel. and stunning wife and mother of our future angels <3
16 and in love
hey im Avery.
im 16.
im in love.
Dennis Ryan in my guy, my boyfriend, my best friend, my lover, my everything, my universe and everything in between <3
8-15-11:
xbox live Left 4 Dead versus lobby, the moment i met you. your first words to me, “does anyone have a mic?” you sounded so fucking perfect. we talked on xbox a while. i met nathan and wyatt, your friends, in a xbox live party. i thought nathan was cute so i gave him my number. i regret the thought that i actually thought he was cute. ew. but yeah i texted him, then you texted me saying “Bavery?” you got my number from him I’m assuming. but we texted for a while and became the best of friends. we were brobears. <3 i remember laying down on the couch texting you and asking you if you had feelings for me, you replied yes. i asked what kind, you said girlfriend. i was so happy, so surprised so shocked cause i felt the same way back. we kept texting a while, getting more feelings for each other.
10-30-11
that one night, we were texting about us dating, how i was worried you didnt want to date cause we lived in different states. i really cared about you, really had feelings for you. well those words showed up on my phone. “Avery, will you be my girlfriend?” i smiled so fucking big, my heart sped up. i felt like the happiest girl alive. i of course said yes and that was that, we began dating. we were so happy with each other. we really loved each other.
Blakely and Clayton
we got to the point where we loved each other so much, we wanted to get married. we pictured it and imagined it so many times we wanted kids with each other. but what names? what are perfect names for our perfect angles? Blakely Lynn and Clayton Ryan. our two main kids. Clayton first so when Blakely is born, if she gets hurt by a guy, Clayton can talk some sense into him, he can back her up, help her through life and get through her love life. well we imagined them so much, we pictured what they would look like. Blakely: light brown hair, green eyes, tan. Clayton: dark hair, light brown eyes, dimples, also tan. well every time i would go out in public, i would see little kids that looked like what we pictured them to look like. i would get so excited that one day ill have kids, that look like that, with you. <3
but we continued dating, and shit went down hill fast. we fought, a lot. you became best friends with Jessica. you called her brobear, when that was our thing. you started slowly gaining feelings for her, i started to fade away. i tried to gain you back but i guess she was just too perfect for you to forget about. you left me for her, i was devastated. you two dated and we became friends. just friends. you two broke up, i forgot why. and we started talking again. i was showing you i loved you, cared for you, really wanted you and us back. we dated again and continued where we left off, our anniversary was still 10-30-11.
Things i regret, fucked up with, did that i shouldnt have:
as we were dating again, i was still smoking weed, drinking, and got into smoking cigarettes. you hated it. i told you i stopped, you believed me, i was lying. i kept smoking. i kept drinking. i was just so stupid, i didnt know the more i did it, the more i was fucking up what we had, i was just so love struck that i thought we would be perfect forever. i was wrong. i kept fucking up, lying to you, fighting more. we broke up one day and we just wanted to take things slow, to work us out, i still continued to smoke, and drink, you thought i was done. no, i was lying. im still really sorry. well one night, one FUCKED up night, things got out of control, i did something i regret to this day. it was so fucked up and i know it shouldnt have happened. im truly sorry for it dennis. that night was the night i lost my virginity. it fucked us up even more. but you still continued to try for us, after EVERYTHING i did, EVERYTHING i said to you. you were trying so hard, i couldnt open my eyes wide enough to see it. i was too stupid and immature.
Talking:
we continued to talk, but shit went down. you wanted to stop talking to me, end us for good. and that was it, that happened, we stopped talking for a good while. i still couldn’t forget about you, i couldnt get over you. i tried by dating dustin, but that just wasnt good enough. Jessica messaged me on instagram saying you killed yourself and left a note tha it was my fault. my heart shattered, and sank so deep. i was lost. i called you, called your mom, and finally your brother picked up the phone and said you were okay, you were at CCs. a sign of hope came to me. he told me that you and jessica dated again but you two broke up cause you couldnt handle having a girlfriend. i called you and you answered. i was so glad to hear your voice. we slowly started talking again, becoming friends again, close friends again. we got to the point where we wanted to start dating again. i was still dating dustin, but i said fuck that, I’m in love with dennis, so i dumped him for you. best choice i made then. we dated but shit still went down, we still fought and argued more and more. i couldnt handle it, you couldn’t handle it.
A Month ago:
i dont remember much of what happened after that but im just going to start back from a month ago. we started dating again and about a month ago, you and jessica were still best friends, she really loved you and she kept getting in the way of us. i hated that, it killed me on the inside. i wanted you mine but i knew you were getting feelings for her. we continued to fight, over stupid shit, over annoying shit that was useless but we couldnt find a way to stop. you told me you wanted to be happy, so i let you be with her. we broke up and you dated her, you blocked me off instagram and facebook and i was slowly fading away out of your life, but i didnt want to be. i wanted you to me mine and only mine. i dont want to share you with anoyone but me, and our family. i tried my ass off to get you back, i stopped smoking for us, stopped drinking for us. i changed for you. i cried out to you to take me back.
Us <3:
after we started talking again, you were still dating her, but you we gaining feelings for me again. i was getting happy about that. one day you wanted to try us again, so did i, you broke up with her for me so we could try us again. the bad thing was we still continued to fight, still argued. one day it got out of control and i couldn’t handle it anymore, i ended it all, you were crying, hearing you cry, lord have mercy it kills me hearing you cry and knowing its my fault. you were begging me to stop, i wouldn’t. you were saying all of this shit you wanted to happen with us, our future. it was getting to me, i was calming down. then finally i said, “Dennis, i love you. okay? im going to give us one last try, but if we fight anymore, I’m going to end it all for good.” and you know what? we really haven’t fought since. maybe a few arguments, but we make up, say im sorrym calm each other down and get back to being okay. we are figuring it out baby, we are finally working it out.
9-21-12:
well one day, i was so love struck, i wanted you to be mine, forever. so i asked, “dennis, be mine forever, love me forever?” you were like “of course” but you didnt get what i was asking, so i asked again “no im asking you to be my boyfriend.” you were shocked, and said “you sure??” i was serious dennis. i was ready to date you again, my love had filled up to the top and was pouring out of my soul for you. i was in love with you, and still am to this day. well you said yes and to this very day, we are happily boyfriend and girlfriend.
Our Future:
so we talk about our future alot right? well here are some of the things i remember us saying.
1. us, walking down the beach, holding hands, at sunset, feet in the water.
2. you holding our kids after i had them, the look on your face, the smiles we have, the happiness in your eyes.
3. we would cuddle on the couch, me laying on top of you, my head on your chest or shoulder, your arms wrapped around me, rubbing my back and playing with my hair, kissing me, and lay there and watch a movie and fall asleep together.
4. if i was sick or on my period, youd fix me a nice, relaxing bubble bath, with lit candles and soft music, and once i get in youd give me a shoulder massage to help relax me and go make me spaghetti for dinner after i get out
5. after Clayton is a lil toddler, youd make a tree house with him. be out in the back yard with him playing cops and robbers, or pirates. and id be inside with lil Blakely, braiding her hair or playing with her and her dolls.
6. we would get married on the beach, at sunset
7. we would play xbox together and if you were beating me id knock the controller out of your hand and youd tackle me and pin me down and kiss me
8. we would make a fort with Blakely and Clayton and camp out in the living room with them and make smokes with them and watch movies with them.
9. we would lay out in the back yard, both on our backs, my head on your chest, and just look up at the stars together, and you sit up and kiss me passionatly
10. we would be together forever, grow old together, last forever and be together til the end of time, to infinity and beyond. <3
Dennis Ryan, i love you with all my dear heart, i hope by me reading this too you, you know how much i really love you and want us. you are a big part of my life and i want you in my life forever. i can bet you ive been smiling like half of the time, and blushing, i know i was while writing this. but yeah, i love you dennis, my sweetheart, my baby boy, my lovebug, my honeycakes, my snugglemomeky, my cuddlebear, my snookums. <3
-Avery Leigh Hanson, your beautiful, adorable, amazing, cute wifey <3
